A Comedy of Eros
by Kawaii Kuroi Mahotsukai
Summary: The course of true love never did run smooth, even on Valentines Day. Shounen ai. Yami/Yuugi, Dark Magician/Magician of Black Chaos, Ryou/Malik, Bakura/Marik, Seto/Jounouchi? Dunno.
1. Chapter the first: The opening act

**A Comedy of Eros.**   
  
Don't own Yu-Gi-Oh, never will.   
  
Warning: Shounen-ai! And lots of it!  
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It was Valentines' Day, and Yuugi Mutou was- naturally- very excited. He loved being able to tell his friends how much they meant to him. With these happy thoughts of love and light in his childish head, he danced over to his bed to empty his arms of the items he had bought for that night, then skipped to the phone to call his friend Ryou, who loved this day as much as he did. 

"Moshi moshi?" (Greeting over the phone in Japanese) A soft, buttery-rich voice came over the phone, muddled with sleep and... something else. Yuugi grinned and flopped back on his bed.  
"Hi Ryou! It's me, Yuugi!"   
"Hm? Yuugi? Wha're ya callin' so early for? 'S only....." There was a pause, then a yelp of surprise.   
"TEN AM?! Excuse me a moment, please." Ryou put down the phone. A muffled yelp and a THUD were heard a moment later, then Ryou returned to the phone.   
"Yuugi, are you still there?"   
"Uhm.... yes... Anyway! I got the stuff!"  
Ryou's voice brightened considerably. "You did? That's great! How about you come over here so we can make the gifts without your yami prying?"  
"Okay! But you'll have to come and help me carry the stuff- I got your supplies too, and they're heavy!"  
The embarrassment in Ryou's voice was so thick it was tangible. "I would, but-" 

At this point, Yami Bakura cut in, on another phone. "Malik screwed him and he's sore, so he can't."  
Ryou promptly retaliated. "Thanks for volunteering, 'Kura! You know where Yuugi lives, yes?"  
"Don't call me that, and yes, and I'm only going there if the Pharaoh isn't home, and we all know that-"  
"-He never leaves me alone? That's where you're wrong. You see, I kind of, ah, FORGOT to tell him Grandpa had to go to a convention to see what new games we could carry in the shop, and he couldn't back out on Kaiba-san, so he'll be gone all day!" Yuugi giggled deviously.  
"... I hate you." Bakura growled.   
"If you didn't, I'd worry about you." Yami Malik chipped in, on yet another phone.  
"Ryou, how many phones do you HAVE over there?" Yuugi wondered aloud.   
"Several. Anyway, 'Kura-" Ryou began, only to be interrupted rudely by Bakura.  
"DON'T CALL ME THAT!"   
"-'KURA, Yuugi's waiting!"  
"You little bastard..." Bakura mumbled. "Fine. I'll do it. On two conditions. One, you don't make up any nicknames for me- no 'Kura, no Baku-san, no Baka-Baku, no Hey Tomb Robber. Got it?"  
"Yes, 'Kura-san."   
"DON'T CALL ME THAT! And the other condition is that you leave the puzzle at home. I don't want that bastard pharaoh showing up unannounced."  
"I was going to do that anyway! I don't want Yami finding out about his gift until tonight anyhow." Yuugi chirped cheerfully.  
"Okay. I'll be there in fifteen minutes. Got that, brat? If you're even three seconds late, I'm leaving you there and you get to carry your damn baggage on your own."  
"You're going to have to come up and help me carry it, then. It's too heavy for me to get downstairs on my own!" The violet-eyed one chirped again.  
"Fine. Fifteen minutes. Wait downstairs." There was an audible CLICK! as Bakura dropped the phone in it's cradle.  
"Hurry over here, Yuugi! We have a lot to do before tonight!" Click! And Ryou had hung up.  
"You'd better return him unmolested. He's MINE." A third CLICK and Yuugi was left listening to a dial tone. He sighed.

"I should know better than to hang around homicidal maniacs..." 

He set the phone down in it's cradle and turned around, removing the puzzle, then jumped, yelped and dropped it in surprise as he came face-to-chest with a purple-clad mage who stood right in his path. "ACK!"  
The mage quickly snagged the puzzle from midair and set it on Yuugi's bed. "Hi, Yuugi. Didn't mean to scare you."  
The aforementioned short-yet-cute boy heaved a great sigh and sat down next to the puzzle. "Jeez, Kageri, don't scare me like that."  
The mage blushed. "Sorry, I was just wondering if you could explain what all this-" He gestured at the bags of candy, art supplies and flowers. "Means."  
Yuugi threw his arms apart, grinning expansively. "That's easy! It's Valentine's Day!"  
Kageri cocked his head. "Whatsie-whoosies day?"  
Yuugi grinned. "Valentine's day. It's a day where you give your friends and people you love gifts and cards that tell them how much you care for them!"  
The shadow mage blinked. "...Oh. Can I participate in this, 'Valentine's day?'"  
Yuugi grinned expansively and nodded. "Sure! What're you going to make for Akuma?"

Kageri promptly blushed and began stammering. "Uh... er... uh..."  
Yuugi burst out giggling. "Come on, 'Geri, it's obvious you're smitten with him! Now, what're you going to do for him?"  
"Um..... I dunno..." The dark mage seemed to be sunk in thought.  
"Tell you what." Yuugi looked seriously at his friend. "Why don't you come with me to Ryou's house and we'll help you puzzle this out, ne?"  
"You will?!" Yuugi was tackled by the shadow mage. "THANK YOU! Thankyouthankyouthankyou!"  
"AIR! NEED AIR! OFFAME!" Kageri leaned back and blushed.   
"Sorry. Anyhow, hadn't we better be off?" Yuugi shook his head. "Oh, sure, let's just go walking down the street with a magician in full battle regalia! No, thank you. Put something less obvious on first, please?"   
The mage blushed again. "Right..." He snapped his fingers, changing his clothing to a pair of tight black jeans and a t-shirt. "Let's go." He hefted three of the bags like they were nothing, and walked off, bumping into Bakura on his way out.

Seto Kaiba's house, ten-forty-five AM.

Current life point count: Seto Kaiba, 5400. Yami Mutou, 3200.  
Current monster count: Seto Kaiba, two Blue-Eyes White Dragons. Yami Mutou, Magician of Black Chaos.  
Magic or trap count: Seto Kaiba, none. Yami Mutou, one facedown.

Seto smirked as he read the standings on his screen. "Yami, you are SO screwed. All right, Blue-Eyes number one!"  
The dragon turned to look at him- and pouted. "My NAME is Ryuujin! Get it right, already!"  
Seto rolled his eyes. "Fine, Ryuujin. Attack the Magician of Black Chaos!"  
The mage walked calmly over to Seto and smacked him with his holographic staff. "For the last time. My. Name. Is. Akuma." He then walked back to his side of the field, leaving Seto twitching.  
"Okay. Okay. Ryuujin, attack Akuma." The two named monsters grinned cheesily.  
"Okieday!" The dragon turned back to her opponent, reared back, then spat a blast of crackling electricity at the mage.  
"Ah-ah-ah, Seto. I activate my trap card, Mirror Force!" Yami smirked triumphantly.  
Ryuujin blinked as her attack was reflected back at herself and her brother. "Awww, bugger." The two dragons vanished in a flash of white light.  
Seto smacked his forehead. "You and your goddamn last minute effective maneuvers... I end my turn." Blue eyes glared into crimson.   
Yami grinned. "The LMEMs are my specialty! Okay, now I activate a magic card. Go, Monster Reborn! I call Ryuujin back to the field!" The dragon reappeared, this time on Yami's side, and looked around confusedly.  
"I hate it when this happens. Sorry, Seto!" She grinned and shrugged, then turned to Yami. "So, what can I do ya for?"  
The spike haired one grinned. "Akuma and Ryuujin, attack his Life Points directly! Lightning Scepter Blast!" The dragon and the mage both grinned.  
"Batter up!" Ryuujin shot a ball of lightning at Akuma, who stood with his staff gripped in both hands, crackling with energy and cocked over his right shoulder. As it reached him, he swung his staff like a baseball bat and smacked the ball at Seto, adding his own energy to the blast. It hit with a blinding flash of white light, and when it dissipated, Seto's life points were gone.

"How did I know you'd do that? Bah..." The billionaire deactivated his duel disk and crossed his arms, pouting.  
Yami just grinned. "I can hardly wait to tell Yuugi how I pounded your sorry behind again."  
Seto growled angrily at him. "You do that, and I'll kick your lily ass."  
Yami grinned wider and attempted to contact Yuugi.   
//Aibou? Hey, Yuugi, I beat Seto again!//  
He frowned at the lack of response. //Yuugi?//  
And then became frantic. //YUUGI?! YUUGI!// He turned to Seto. "Kaiba. Can you give me a lift back to the game shop?"

Meanwhile...  
Yuugi, Kageri and Bakura were well on their way back to Ryou's house, each laden with two or three large bags.   
"What the Hell did you BUY? Bricks?" Bakura panted, stumbling under the weight of the items in his arms. Yuugi shook his head.  
"Nope. Flowers, candies, a slab of stone from a tomb for Malik..." Bakura facefaulted.   
"I'm carrying the rock, aren't I?" Yuugi grinned cheesily and nodded, then took off running down the last block to Ryou's house, followed by Kageri, who was laughing uproariously.   
"I'LL KILL YOU BOTH!" Bakura bellowed, trying to follow, but the weight of the stone was too much, and he dared not drop it, so he settled for ambling slowly after the duo.   
"WHEN I CATCH YOU, I'LL KILL YOU!" He bellowed, inching along towards the door of Ryou's house.  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
I know it's after Valentine's Day. I couldn't get it up before now, sorry. Expect more later. 


	2. Chapter the second: Oh, dear

A Comedy of Eros

Chapter two. 

Don't own Yu-Gi-Oh, never will. Don't own FF7, Kingdom Hearts, Chrono Cross or The Legend of Zelda, either. Wish I did...  
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Ten-forty-six AM, Residence of Ryou Bakura.  


Bakura wobbled into the house and dumped the slab of rock on the floor, then glared at Marik (AKA Yami Malik), who was leaning against the doorframe, watching.

"Nice *pant* of you *wheeze* to help *gasp* Asshole." Bakura grumbled, wiping his sweaty forehead with the hem of his shirt. "You're so cute when you're angry." Marik smirked and patted Bakura's head. "Never fear, my white-haired psycho, I have a plan to get revenge!"

Bakura glared at him. "Oh, this ought to be good, coming from the same guy who got me caught in the first place." Marik smirked. "Yep. We'll-" Here he leaned in and began whispering in Bakura's ear. "Hmmm. Not bad.... Oooh, nice..... Mmm-hmm..." Bakura nodded, a serious look on his face.

Once Marik was done with his plot, Bakura leaned back, turned and looked him in the face. "I suppose it'll do. But how do you propose we pull this off without getting caught? If I know the pharaoh, the minute Yuugi took the puzzle off, he bolted. He'll be at the game shop by now. And, anyway, the kid might decide to leave early." Marik just smirked and shook his head. "Nope. I, ah, FIXED the pharaoh problem." 

Ten-forty-five AM, residence of Seto Kaiba. Yami and Seto banged angrily on the windows of the locked limo, as the chaffeur tried

desperately to re-inflate the tires, which the air had been let out of, with a bicycle pump.

"HURRY UP, DAMNIT!" 

Ten-forty-seven AM, residence of Ryou Bakura. "Or, to be precise, Malik did. I just gave him a nudge." Marik smiled winningly. The tomb robber cocked his head and raised his right eyebrow. "This, I have to hear." The blond just shook his head. "I'll tell you when you get back. Here's the note." He handed a sheet of old-looking papyrus paper with cuneiform characters etched on it to Bakura, whose eyebrow disappeared somewhere under his bangs.

"You can write?"   
Marik nodded. "One of my many talents. Wait a sec, I'll add something about that Dark Magician, too. Double the humiliating fun." He pulled back the paper, pulled a reed pen and a pot of ink from somewhere in his clothing, etched a few characters on the bottom of the sheet, and handed it back to Bakura, who seemed somewhere between fainting and laughing his butt off. "Here. Just leave it on the bed."   
Bakura opened his mouth to protest that Yuugi still might leave, then got a glazed look in his eyes, nodded dazedly, took the reed paper and walked off, banging into the door a couple of times before Marik opened it. Said blond tomb robber smirked and kissed his Millennium Rod as the white-haired one wandered off down the street. 

"I love this thing." 

Ten-fifty-nine AM, residence of Yuugi Mutou.  
Bakura shook his head and blinked, coming out of his trancelike state. "Wha-?" He looked around, then scowled. "Note to self: Kill Marik for using that Gods-Damned rod on me."   
-Ah-ah-ah, Baka-Baku. I can still control you from here. Do I have to?- Marik's voice echoed in his mind, and he scowled.  
"No, MARIK-SAMA." The almost-albino tomb robber muttered, stomping through the back door and up the steps.   
-Good boy. Get back fast, and I might have a treat for you...- The tone in Marik's "voice" DEFINATELY sped Bakura up.  
"Give me two minutes." The tomb robber dashed up the steps, skidded into Yuugi's room, smacking his face on the doorjamb in the process, leaving a bloody streak on the white paint, cursed loudly, dribbling blood everywhere, stanched the blood with the edge of the bedspread, dropped the note on the bed, opened the window and leapt out, catching himself on a nearby tree branch. "I'm outta here!" He dropped out of the tree, leapt a fence into the next backyard and took off running for his own residence, hopping the occasional fence, as a black limosine screeched around a corner and pulled to a halt in front of the game shop. "Mission complete." He muttered, smirking wickedly.

"The pharaoh is NOT going to be happy." 

Eleven-oh-one AM, residence of Yuugi Mutou.  
Yami leapt out of the limousine, ran up the front walk and kicked open the door, followed by Akuma, who had materialised shortly after the duel, giving no reason for his presence. "Yuugi? Yuugi, are you here?" He turned to Akuma. "You take this floor. I'll check upstairs." Akuma nodded, and Yami whisked around and raced up the stairs, yelling Yuugi's name.   
"Yuugi! Yuugi, answer me, this isn't funny!" He threw the bedroom door open.... and felt his heart stop. Blood (Yuugi's, he thought, though it was really Bakura's) was dribbled all over the white carpet, the bedspread and smeared on the doorframe.   
"Oh no... SHIT! AKUUUMAAA!" He yelled at the top of his lungs. The mage raced up the stairs after his friend, skidded around the corner and caught himself on the doorjamb, immediately turning white as he saw the blood-spattered room.   
"Oh... man.... Kageri was..." He shuddered. "That's not Yuugi's blood."  
Yami turned to his friend, cradling the blood-flecked puzzle in his hands, the note dangling between his fingers. "Let's hope it's not Kageri's either. They've been.... er.... kid- and duel-monster-napped." He brandished the note in Akuma's direction. "Read it."  
Akuma plucked the note up and scanned it quickly. "Blah blah.... kidnapped.... get them back by doing all the things on this list..." The chaos mage looked up, a strange look on his face.   
"You've gotta be kidding me." Yami shook his head.   
"Not unless we want them to be killed."  
Akuma grinned wryly. "I never thought I'd have to streak again..."  
Yami blinked. "You did it before?"  
The chaos mage nodded sheepishly. "Ahuh. Marik and Bakura got me drunk one time and stole my clothes when I passed out. I didn't know it until the next day, when all the male duel monsters were laughing at me, and the females were trying to-" He abruptly broke off, coughed quietly and blushed.   
"Trying to what?" Yami teased, grinning.  
"Nothing..." He finished lamely. "Let's get going, hey?"  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
And another load of random randomness pops up. Curious about what our "heroes" have to do to heroically "rescue" their fair "damsels in distress?" You'll find out soon enough. As a matter of fact, a few suggestions as to what humiliating stuff they have to endure would be very nice. 


	3. Chapter the third: Off to bitch at Seto ...

Hello, hello! ^_^  
DISCLAIMER:  
*Malik walks out, pouting*  
Malik: *in a bored, cynical tone* The braided bitch doesn't own Yu-Gi-Oh, or anything contained herein, save the plot. And, since that's all she has, save her beloved and hard-earned deck, she requests that you not steal it. *he turns towards the place he entered from* Can I go now?  
Z: Oh, fine.  
Malik: THANK you. *leaves*  
Chapter three.  
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Yami sighed and looked at the note again, then reached intot he drawer and snagged the camera, before he trudged off down the stairs. "Whoever did this is SO being sent to the Shadow Realm..." He grumbled.  
Akuma yelped indignantly as he followed his friend. "HEY! You're not sticking US with whoever the sick bastard is! He's YOUR problem."  
The pharaoh turned around and addressed Akuma's stomach (he was standing three steps below the chaos mage, you see) angrily. "Then the fact that he has the magician who you've had a crush on for half your pathetic life is MY problem?"  
Akuma's face instantly flamed bright red. "You've proven your point..."  
Yami nodded solemnly. "Thought so. Now, off to bug Kaiba until he helps us."  
  
About half an hour later...  
Seto leaned back in his favourite armchair, preparing to doze off in a warm beam of noontime sun, when... BZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ! His buzzer shook him out of his pleasant reverie. He snatched the thing off his belt, glared at it, then sighed and yelled. "GET YOUR ASS IN HERE, PHARAOH!" The spiky head of said pharaoh poked in, followed a moment later by that of the Magician of Black Chaos. Seto sighed long-sufferingly. "What is it?"  
  
"Erm..."   
"Uh..." The chaos mage and Yami exchanged a look, then Yami sighed and walked into the room until he was standing in front of Seto.  
"...Screw it. Read this." Yami handed Seto the bloodstained papyrus. He scanned it for a minute, then sighed and handed it back.   
"Translate. I can't read cuneiform." Yami sweatdropped.  
"Whoops. Anyway, it says..." He took a deep breath, then began to read.  
"You have until sunset to complete these tasks. You must videotape yourselves while doing so so that we can be certain you did as you were told. Use the camera in Yuugi's top dresser drawer, it's already loaded." Here he paused. "Yes, I have it with me. Anyway:  
1: Dress up like Aeris from Final Fantasy VII and sell flowers in the mall. For at least an hour. Without saying a word. Scribbled hastily next to this was a note that said: 'The chaos mage must dress as Tifa. And you both must look female. Start looking for Kleenex.' (Thank you, Cutiemew! XDDDD)  
2: Act like a cat for at least half an hour in a public place. You must wear a costume and say nothing but, "Nyan, nyan." (Thanks to Cherior for that suggestion! I wish I'd thought of that... XD)  
3: Do a chicken dance in front of Seto Kaiba. If you do the chicken dance naked, we'll let you get off with just the above three. (Now, THIS one is ALL mine!)  
4: Otherwise, you'll have to streak through the lobby of Kaiba Corp.  
5: And make up an incredibly stupid pet name for Yuugi. And use it at least three times.  
6: Oh, and you'll also have to hit on Jounouchi Katsuya. Convincingly." Seto twitched.   
  
"No. No way in HELL."  
  
Meanwhile, at the Ishtar/Bakura residence...  
  
Kageri dumped his burden on the floor and flopped cheerfully onto the sofa, slightly flushed from the sprint he had had to run to escape from Bakura. "So, Yuugi, now what?"  
Yuugi flopped down next to his friend and leaned back, grinning. "We wait for Ryou to come out here and help us plot." A moment later, Ryou's head popped around a corner from the direction of the bathroom.   
"Did someone call me...? Oh! Hi, Yuugi..." He paused, and squinted at Kageri. "Yuugi... Is that, by any chance, your Dark Magician?" Kageri grinned, waved, and nodded, and the white haired youth turned to his friend. "Why, exactly, is he here?"  
"Well, he has a little crush on a certain Magician of Black Chaos named Akuma..." Ryou blinked once, twice, a third time... then he burst out laughing, stumbled backwards, tripped over Malik's gift/rock and fell over. Somehow, Malik appeared out of what seemed to be thin air and caught his white-haired koi effortlessly, just before he hit the ground. Yuugi blinked.  
"Wonder how he does that..." The Egyptian ignored Yuugi entirely, instead focusing on first making sure Ryou was unhurt, and second, giving him one of the longest, most passionate kisses Yuugi had ever seen. Having done this, he gently set him on his feet, and vanished without a word.   
  
Ryou immediately sat down on the ground with a bump, his chocolate brown eyes sparkly and unfocussed, and a light blush suffusing his pale cheeks. Yuugi blinked and gently poked his friend in the arm.   
"Ryou? Erm... Ryou?"  
A dreamy, completely oblivious sigh. "Malik..."   
The short, spikey-headed one sighed and shook his head, then turned to Kageri. "Come on, we may as well get started."  
"But what about your friend?" The magician blinked, confused. Yuugi sighed again.   
"Malik's presence does that to him. Give him about five minutes and he'll snap out of it. Now, can you give me a hand with this?" Yuugi was already busy in one of the bags. Kageri shook his head, confused, then went over to Yuugi and begin yanking random things out of the bag, sorting them into messy piles on the ground. He paused as he saw a tin box that didn't seem to fit any of the rough categories they had set up. "Hey! Cookies!" He grinned, yanked it out, and began trying to pry the top off. Yuugi caught him and began to protest. "No, don't-!"   
  
But it was too late. The lid popped off, and several false snakes flew into Kageri's face. The startled Dark Magician yelped in fear and began running in circles and screaming. "AAAAAAAAH! AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! SNAKES! GET THEM OFF! GETTHEMOFF! AKUMAAAAAAAAA! HEEEEEEEELP!" Yuugi sighed and followed the frantic magician as he began racing through Ryou and Malik's home, laying waste to it as he frantically ripped at the fake "snakes".  
  
"Malik's going to kill us..."  
  
Back at Kaiba Corp...  
  
Akuma caught the magical ripple of Kageri's panicked cry for help, and his head shot up. "Kageri.... he's in trouble!" He immediately leapt over the desk, landing in front of Seto's chair, grabbed the CEO by the shoulders and began shaking him. "DO YOU HEAR ME?! WE HAVE TO GO HELP HIM!! SO HELP ME GODS, I WILL KILL YOU AND YOUR BROTHER AND YOUR GOD DAMNED DRAGONS IF YOU DON'T HELP US AND SOMETHING HAPPENS TO HIM!!"  
Seto squeaked fearfully, trying to squirm away from the frantic, enraged, homicidal Chaos Mage.   
"Okay... Okay, I'll help!"   
Yami blinked. "Note to self... Never, ever, EVER get on that magician's bad side..."  
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Odd, ne? I'm really unable to add any more to this particular chappy, but fear not, the humiliation begins next chapter X3 


	4. Chapter the fourth: Oh, the humanity!

Wheeee! More insanity! This chapter was actually the easiest to write O.o;  
Disclaimer:  
Yami: *grumpily* This is stupid.... She doesn't own Yu-Gi-Oh. Happy now, lawyer people? Good.  
^___^  
Chapter four!  
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Yami glared at his reflection in the mirror. "What did I ever do to deserve this?" His reflection glared back wordlessly. However, this was not the oh-so-sexy, dark, mysterious, masculine figure that set all his fangirls drooling like leaky plumbing taps. No. Instead, a gorgeous, pissed off Egyptian girl glared back at him. Her eyes were ruby red and outlined with a vague shimmer of silver eyeliner, her lips were a delicate coral pink, and her red-and-black-and-blonde hair was pulled into a high ponytail with a pink silk ribbon, and from there twined into a twisty, two-strand braid. She had a slim, sexy figure, which was clad in a pink dress and a short, red jacket. And as for her, ahem, ENDOWMENTS... well, she was DEFINATELY female. And that, Yami reflected, was what hacked him off the most- the fake breasts.   
"Of all the crazy things to stuff a bra with... Water balloons? Why water balloons?"  
  
Seto answered his rhetorical question, perfectly serious, from the bathroom down the hall. "THEY JIGGLE!"  
  
Yami blushed as scarlet as his eyes. "IT'S CALLED A RHETORICAL QUESTION FOR A REASON, ASSHOLE!" He stalked into the anteroom, and sat there pouting.  
  
A short while later, Seto ushered a lovely girl into the room. Her outfit was rather skimpy, nothing but a white crop top, which was bulging out a good bit-well endowed indeed!- and a leather miniskirt, which ultimately ended up exposing a nice, big space of toned midriff, and her black hair fell loose down her back, while her garnet-coloured eyes glared out at him from under long eyelashes. It took Yami a good five minutes to recognise his friend Akuma under his disguise, which Seto was still adjusting, humming through a mouthful of pins. Yami blinked at him.  
"Why're you so happy?"  
Seto grinned wickedly. "Simple. I'm getting my revenge for that duel you kicked my ass in."   
Yami just groaned wordlessly as Seto finished sewing the miniskirt onto the chaos mage, clapped him on the shoulder, and handed them their baskets of flowers.  
"The limo's waiting out front, so I'll see you in an hour! By then, I ought to have the kitty costumes done, too... Ooooh, this will be SO much fun."  
"Yeah, fuck you too, Kaiba." Akuma said, flipping him off, then stalking off down the hall, Yami at his side.  
Seto just smirked at their retreating backs.   
  
"You haven't seen anything yet."  
  
Yami flopped into the limo, mumbling expletives under his breath. The driver started off, suppressing a snigger at the two hacked-off boys. Yami growled.  
"Oh, so you think this is funny, do you?! How would you like to take a trip to the shadow realm?! MIND CRU-!" Akuma cut him off with one elegant hand over his painted lips.  
"Let him get us to the mall and back, and THEN kill him."  
"Point taken, Akuma. Carry on.... whoever you are." The terrified driver huddled down in his seat, whimpering.   
  
"I need a new job..."  
  
Meanwhile, with Yuugi and company...  
  
Malik and Ryou's home was a scene of total chaos.  
  
Kageri was rampaging through the house, screaming and ripping at the false snakes. "GET THEM OFF! GET THEM OFFFFFF! THEY'RE GONNA KILL ME!"  
Yuugi was next in the procession, trying to reason with the crazed mage, then came Bakura and Marik, who were laughing their asses off and egging the terrified magician on, and finally Malik and Ryou, who were trying desperately to salvage the situation, and failing miserably.  
  
After about twenty minutes of run-and-chase-and-reason-and-repeat, Yuugi decided that the time for talk was past and hurled himself (all 5'1" and 110 pounds of him) at the six-foot magician's legs. Said magician went down with a yelp, flinging the paper snakes off, and somehow scoring a direct hit with them on Bakura's face. At once the tomb robber began screaming in terror and ripping at them.  
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHH! MARIK, GET THEM OFF! MAAAAAAARIIIIIK!"  
Yuugi blinked, processing this new occurrence, as Marik rolled his eyes and began plucking the toys off Bakura's face.  
  
Bakura was afraid of snakes.  
Bakura.  
Was.  
Afraid.  
Of.  
Snakes.  
A wicked smirk lit that gentle, innocent little face up. "This could be useful."  
  
And, back with Yami and Mr. Magician of Black Chaos...  
  
Aaaah, the mall. A sanctuary for all teenagers, preppies, nerds, and jocks alike. Unfortunately for Yami and Akuma, the instant they set foot in the mall, every single one of the latter sort mobbed them.   
"Hey, baby, wanna go get a soda?"  
"Hey, if I buy all your flowers, will you go on a date with me?"  
"You know, that's a gorgeous dress on you. But you know what? It would look even better on my bedroom floor."  
"Hey-"  
"Hey-"  
"HEY!" A bigger jock than the rest finally broke through the group. "Why don't you get off these ladies' backs?" Yami nearly fainted in relief when he recognised the familiar pointy brown hairdo of one of Yuugi's friends, by the name of Hiroto Honda. With a series of quickly improvised hand signals, he discouraged Akuma from trying to kill the unknowing teenager who had saved them from the jocks. Unfortunately for him, said teenager did not recognise him as Yami, Yuugi's dark half, and began hitting on him as the other jocks dispersed, grumbling. Yami's eye twitched as he began to get slightly graphic with his come-ons. 'Must not kill, must not kill, must not kill...'  
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O.o; I'm mean, aren't I? I really ought to finish the mall scene... Aw, forget it. It'll be finished next chapter... And should I make Yami and Akuma strip in front of Seto or streak? Vote on that, please...? Anyway, read and then review. 


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